My Podcast Life

Let me just acknowledge that it’s been over a year since I’ve posted. I haven’t written as passionately about much lately because honestly.. I’ve lost my passion for many things. Not sure if I should blame that on a birthday that has passed that bumped me over the middle of my 40s or just that my life is in a more defining hurricane.

Work has been interesting. I’m located in a room that is totally separate from everyone else. There are days that I don’t know who’s here unless I literally take a walk around to check in. I don’t even get to see my supervisor unless she pops her head in from the kitchen to see if I’m here. I’m literally in isolation.

The first month was nice. I had time alone, I worked, no one bothered me… no one. It seemed like a breeze. But then slowly, after the next month and next.. I missed having that feeling of belonging… I missed feeling like I was part of a ‘team’. And I felt really weak for wanting those things. I also felt selfish.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life and if you’re reading for the first time… I’ve been through A LOT of trauma in my life. So when this feeling of separation and isolation at work comes up, I question it: Is this valid for the moment or is this a PAST traumatic feeling? Such a fine line… to feel something in the present that reminds you of some shitty feelings from your former life yet it is also an authentic feeling to have. I’m tongue twisting it now but hopefully you understand my dilemma. So here I sit, at work, with literally a conversation of 5 minutes in an 8 hour day with my brain as numb as can be.

This is when I realize that I can listen to podcasts, all day long! Suddenly, I don’t feel so much alone or as isolated but I do feel sad that a podcast can make me feel things that my own friends have not been able to do. Suddenly, technology is my BFF, my ride or die, my animated soulmate. I’m truly pathetic.

As excited as I am for this new discovery and ways to keep my brain from mush, I jump in and tweet about it, I email the podcast hosts, I try to connect to people who probably think I’m crazy! And you know what.. I would think I’m crazy too because I’m trying too hard. Sometimes I don’t feel as genuine as I should and it’s this feeling of ‘LIKE ME PLEASE!’ that can go spiraling out of control which alienates any possibility of forming healthy relationships. This awareness is a childhood trauma feeling. When I was little I didn’t get the attention I needed from my parents so I did what I could to be likable, to be noticed because there were things that were happening to me that I couldn’t quite understand and so in a silent way, I was screaming, “PLEASE SEE ME”. I used to have nightmares of being invisible and it was so horrible and yes, isolating. When these moments in my life feel repeated, I go into survival mode and I do my best to fix it.

Understanding those feelings and realizing that I can change my situation is part of that survival. I was lucky enough in my life that I had that in me. I knew when something wasn’t right and I tried to fix them, when I could. I had no choice when I was younger but as an adult, the choices are plentiful. And I thank the stars for that.

Outlets are great to have. I’m working on forming better relationships with friends, maybe meeting some new ones but damn, these podcasts have been a HUGE savior. My top guy is Joe Rogan. I’ve been a fan of his for many years (I used also follow him on myspace). He’s the kind of friend I wish I had. He’s such a great mix of things in conversation that I love and even though my heart aches for a split second when he talks about hunting, I see it so much differently now. I know I could never have that experience but it is truly fascinating to hear.

From Joe Rogan, I was introduced to Ari which lead me to Jessica Michelle Singleton, whom I super like. She is so bare and honest and I miss having that in my life. I know, it sounds so weird to say but honestly it just reminds me of what I need to find in my ‘real life’. It’s proof that people like this exists and even when your feeling alone, that there are others that feel the way you do. Hopefully you can do something about it and get out there and find that bond you need and deserve. I’m so happy I have these podcasts to get me through the day.

I’m hoping to update this blog regularly now. Listening to these podcasts inspire to express myself more, even when I’m feeling like no one will read or listen, but I’m ok with that. My younger self would be proud of me.

Thanks for reading.

Thinking Out Loud

I can’t believe it’s been 8 months since I last blogged. I’ve thought of so many thing to write about.. things I wanted to discuss… moments I thought were important to document and express and nada… I wrote nothing. But I have changed in so many ways since I’ve last written. I feel as though I can see a bit clearer… I can read people a little bit better and moments in which I took some steps back. Luckily, I took a few steps forward, kicked myself for not trusting my instincts and now I’m back to continue my journey of learning and personal growth.

An incident happened recently that I had to really process. It’s interesting that there are moments that can truly trigger that traumatic episode and you just roll with it to maintain self preservation when you should be taking action… but that’s part of the inside looking out type of moment. After sitting with that point in time, I wanted to kick myself for not reacting to a situation in a different manner. And then I wonder, if people that have gone through what I had, does it happen to them as well?

I had posted an innocent picture of my son’s at the golf range. A coworker’s spouse made an inappropriate comment about balls. At first, I was taken aback (mind you.. I dismissed my initial reaction and just chalked it up to being a small prude) so I almost went along with it… feeling uncomfortable in the process. I have only met this person one time… the fact that he was making these comments threw me off a bit. I began to feel like I did when I was getting molested… as though I couldn’t react and I froze. Perhaps I was making a big deal of it in my head.. but that other part of me was saying: NO! He’s being very disrespectful and crude.. he doesn’t even know you well enough to joke like that!! So I sat with that feeling… never demanding respect, never saying a word of how uncomfortable I felt. I responded innocently, as though I didn’t know what he was talking about until I just stopped responding. Here’s the deal though… I can joke in the grossest manner… but I do so with people I’m familiar with, people that know me and people with the same understanding that I have… No husband of a friend or coworker has ever spoken to me like that (actually… it happened a couple of times before and I thought it was outrageously rude but again, I froze in reaction). I froze… my biggest trigger and I freeze.

It started to boil down to the fact that I was raised to consider other people’s feelings other than my own and I got stuck in a moment. I didn’t say what I should’ve said, which was: hey, that was offensive. Instead, I deleted the comment and then started categorizing my ‘friends’ on FB so I could block what people can see… but why? Why not just unfriend or speak my mind? I’m so good at saying things to people when I need to… so WHY did I just not speak up? Because I didn’t want to make a ‘big deal’ about it. I didn’t want to seem as though I couldn’t take a joke… from a fucking stranger! Which is so ridiculous but at the same time it’s probably so common!

All I can do, moving forward, is just stay true to my feelings. Acknowledge how it made me feel and know that I don’t have to deal with someone like that or put up with it. I deserve better than that and who gives a flying fuck what HE or anyone else thinks about it. What matters is how I feel! I am important too. So I wonder.. Do other people still have these ‘frozen’ triggers? And how do YOU deal with them?

Thanks for reading ūüôā

Let Me In

open-door-field

For as long as I could remember, I’ve done things on my own. I’ve hidden secrets, I’ve kept to myself and I’ve suffered in silence. The secrets… OH the horrifying secrets… I had to keep those to myself for a really long time because shame permitted me from sharing. Now I know better but the residual effects can often trickle down without me realizing until I’m alone and isolating again. And I disconnect A LOT!

Why do I do these things? Why is it so hard to reach out and let someone in? I’m glad you asked…

I think the most crippling emotion to my heart is FEAR. It’s like a vine that grows and chokes the life out of my humanity. But what am I afraid of?? I would have to start at the very beginning of what started this fear… the beginning of my distrust in people, in the one’s I’m afraid to truly love.. that’s where it began.

Sexual abuse is not a fleeting moment to be kept in the past. It will always be a part of you, like a buried ash in a pocket on your soul, because that’s where your broken self is buried. Once you go through therapy and learn how to live with what’s happened to you, once you’ve emerged as the phoenix you were meant to be, only then will that past burn in the ash… but it will never leave you. You just learn how to cope and try to live your life as best as possible. I conditioned myself at an early age to disconnect. I was four years old when I was raped and had to ‘learn’ not to tell anyone what was happening to me. I believed the threats, their lies and so for me to survive those next 5 years, I had to be silent and pretend that I was a happy go lucky little girl. And that’s how the keeping to myself began.

So the years after the abuse had stopped, my silence had to continue because now, shame took over. I was embarrassed about what had happened to me… I blamed myself and I was broken. When I had to courage to let someone know, I was in the 7th grade. I started to tell some of my friends and they didn’t believe me. I don’t recall exactly what I said… but I probably sounded like a liar. I was talking about something unthinkable… and who would believe me. And that’s where the distrust began to happen… I was calling out… and no one tried to help me.

As a teenager, I spiraled out of control.. which was so ironic because that was the only time I FELT in control. Finally, for the first time in my life, I made the decisions and it was up to ME! The sad part was a lot of those choices were destructive and self abusive. At one point, I started to slash my arms in what I thought was a suicide mission, only to realize later in life, it was just another call for help. No one noticed. Except for one friend who told me that if I ever did that again she’d tell my mom so I stopped.

Understanding and processing all of that (I know.. it’s A WHOLE LOT to process), you can probably see why I was such a loner. But what about NOW? After 5 years of therapy (which were amazingly helpful by the way) I learned to ask for help when I needed it. I learned to surround myself with better people, people I can count on and talk to. My dilema is that I’m fucking scared! I’m still afraid that when I reach out, no one will be there.. that my heart will break all over again and that FEAR! That piece of shit fear will take over my body and keep me from reaching out. And as I’m writing this I’m overwhelmed with the fact that I’m just having a backwards moment. That somehow, that ash that I buried is suddenly flying around a bit… perhaps a trigger has come up and I need to simmer that ash down. And yes.. the trigger of feeling alone and so I bury myself like a turtle in a shell and hope that I can overcome this fleeting moment of invisibility that is only playing in my own MIND. Trauma… it can be a shady bitch sometimes.

So when you’ve allowed these amazing people in your life, they remind you that you can count on them, that you can open up to them… they say: “Let Me IN”. So all of this processing takes place and you’re like: That’s right, I’m not alone anymore! And that moment feels so good!

I do think that a time out from life is a healthy way of being but I also know that when you truly feel like you need someone, promise yourself that you’ll keep the channels open, promise yourself to create loving and long lasting relationships that will keep you flourishing and centered. The more you push people away… the more alone you will feel. You can’t expect those reaching hands to still be there if you keep slapping them away. After a while, there will be no hands to slap… especially if they don’t know the reasons why.

So here I am folks… I’m letting you in.

 

 

The Cookie Cutter Life

cookie-cutter

Can you imagine a world where everything is so perfect that you can predict the outcome of a situation because that’s what its supposed to be? I can only speak on my experience and my perception and what I’ve been exposed to.. but from what I’ve seen, the world is pretty hesitant to believe or embrace anything that’s not considered ‘normal’. It seems that this life has been built on stereotypes, what we expect, entitlements, blind ‘truths’, projections and perceptions that keep your eyes closed to any other interpretations but our own. It seems as though there are these imaginary rules that HAVE to be followed in order for it to be REAL or make SENSE to anyone because anything other than that would create FEAR and we all know that when we fear something, we tend to misunderstand and even worse… we tend to CONDEMN.

Rape has been highly misconceived. Every victim suffers in different ways and although there is a lot of commonality, such as fear, shame, self blame.. we bare our cross in distinctive ways… we can be as unique as fingerprints. If you’ve never been raped in your life (thank the great universe), then you will NEVER know what it feels like to carry such a hardship. Some people (because it happens to women AND men) suffer in silence, never talk about it, never let on what’s happened, while others talk open and freely about it. There are some who don’t report it to the police and some that do.. it’s a matter of choice and comfort¬†and above all, self preservation. In our society, we expect people to ‘get over it’, move passed it, deal with it, report it and when you don’t do what’s EXPECTED you become judged and re-victimized all over again. Rape has no cookie cutter experience and it never will.

Domestic Violence… no one ever thinks of manipulation or verbal abuse as ‘violent’ but it is. People will say: words never hurt anyone… but they DO! Tell a 4 year old that they are worthless and there is a good chance that when they grow up, those words will still haunt them and they will FEEL worthless.. or maybe not… how would we ever know, and why would you want to test that to find out? I never realized how acceptable domestic violence really is. We all joke about a slap or two, we laugh at the possibilities of cutting off our partners penis at the thought of them cheating and you have all these other women cheering that on… and this is OK! Well it’s not. Domestic Violence is debilitating and guess what.. it doesn’t only happen to women, it happens to men too and god forbid you’re a man who admits to such an emasculating thing. People will always judge what they don’t understand.. whether it’s WHY a woman would stay in a dangerous situation or why they THINK someone accepts abuse in their lives. If you never lived it, you will NEVER know.

Racism.. yes folks.. this does exist. Whether it’s in the Dominican Republic, Africa, Europe, the USA, it’s been fed for a reason and it will never die because there will always be ignorance and fear.. it’s just a matter of choice.. to feed into it or not. There’s also this HUGE double standard when it comes to who’s the most racist.. so instead of pointing fingers, people just don’t reflect and ask themselves: what am I doing to perpetuate this problem? Why is it ok for one race to do it and not the other? The cookie cutter situation… to think that because someone belongs to a group that they ALL act like that… but of course we don’t. Not all people that are Hispanic, speak spanish (and if you don’t, there is Hell to pay!) and we don’t all rob banks, smoke pot or eat pork (wait.. is that for real??). You can’t pretend to know what it feels like to be a minority in this country if you’ve NEVER been a minority in this country. Don’t judge what you can’t possibly ever experience… and this is not to say that one day, the majority of people will not get to know what it feels like to be oppressed and angry.. just hope that you don’t have to and that you can just sympathize and free your mind. (Maybe this particular subject doesn’t belong on the cookie cutter stage but my subconscious wrote it for a reason so I’m keeping it).

The worst thing I can ever hear someone say: IF THAT WERE ME, I WOULD…. What?! You would do what exactly?! The only way to ever truly know what you would do is if you have DONE it already and you are passing along advice in order to help and NOT judge. You have three reactions to an unsafe situation: FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE… it’s like russian roulette.. you never know how you’re going to react. It’s so easy to sit back in your state of calm and evaluate a situation, without the emotions of fear, dread, numbness, anxiety, feeling trapped and that adrenaline taking over, and dole out an opinion of a reaction that you may not ever put to use.

That cookie cutter life.. the one that if something makes you feel uncomfortable is HAS to be wrong, if you fear something let’s just REMOVE it from our existence and if you don’t understand something let’s just make fun of it, bash it until everyone thinks like us. We’ve been too quick to accept what’s easy, what we know, what our selfish world imposes on us, instead of learning to deal with, empathize, sympathize, help others… tell me, what kind of world do you want to live in? Respect and compassion..

If everything was the same… this life would not be interesting.

All This Hate

Hate

I just read a story on ABC News about a young woman named Keisha Jenkins, who at the age of 22, was beaten by five to six men, then shot in the back twice. This person was a transgender woman… that’s right… I said was. She was ‘dropped’ off at the hospital where she died.

The first thing that came to mind was: I can’t even imagine what this person must’ve gone through at that very moment and how I wish this had not happened. My second thought was: Wow… how much do you have to hate a person to want them dead?

Hate is a strong and powerful emotion.. which goes hand in hand with Anger. Emotions that are ok to feel for a moment, so that you can process why you feel this way and then let that emotion GO. But for some people, this feeling festers and stays with them for a really long time until that one day, someone triggers it by accident (or on purpose) and that rage comes out like the Devil himself. I know this emotion very well… I had to deal with it a few times in my life and the triggers can feel uncontrollable until you practice long enough to manage them.

Some people think of death as the ultimate solution. It is final and it is the answer to your pain… So when I think of hate, I think of death as well and I think that you have to be so consumed with the feeling of needing a particular person to die, so that your life could move on, because they can no longer be around to trigger those feelings you want to keep dead and buried, because they remind you of a time you were in pain… a time you felt vulnerable.. they remind you of your greatest weakness.. and you want that to end… you want them to expire. The saddest part of it all is that these types of people don’t realize that it will never end… triggers are everywhere!! You would have to keep on killing… and I have to say.. why can’t they just kill themselves and put themselves out of their own pain, instead of taking someone else’s life… A harsh thing to say I guess but it happens so often.. that projection of loathing.

On a lighter side of this road of malevolence¬†are your ex-friends, your “haters”, bullies, this fixation that these poor souls have on other people that choose to live their lives in the way they feel most comfortable.. Whether your gay, transgender, a lesbian, bisexual, straight, whatever your religion, whatever your beliefs.. YOU should live your authentic life, without having ANYONE bash you for it. If you’re not hurting anyone, if it doesn’t affect anyone but your own life, why must these ‘haters’ have anything to say about it?? AH! Maybe their lives are empty, perhaps soulless, because they want YOU to PAY for your sins!! Because you’re getting away with living a life they wish they could have… It’s all about projection.. people that are so full of resentment, project the MOST! If they can’t let something go.. it’s because it consumes them, jealousy may run through them and the sad part is that they aren’t even aware of it. If this might be you… THINK about why you hate so much… Why do you care? Why would you bother with it and waste your time? Why not just live YOUR life, heal and MOVE ON??

If people were more self aware, took more responsibility for their actions, I’d imagine there would be a lot of peace in this world. There’s a lot of pain… there’s a lot of sadness… grief… If only people cared a little more about their own mental health and their own healing… Maybe we can all feel safer and free.

earth-love-peace-on-earth-765286

A Color to Dye For

11. Silver-hair---starrynight-sky26.tumblr-506x380_tcm2046-965796

Growing old gracefully. How many people do we actually know that does that?

As a challenge to myself, I decided NOT to cover my gray hair and let me tell you… it hasn’t been easy (btw, that’s not me in the picture.. I wished I looked like that! HA!). I’ve been complimented many times about my looks. People have said that I look like I’m in my 20s (thank you genes!). When I go out with my oldest son, whose 23, people think I’m his girlfriend.. makes me laugh.. makes him vomit. I don’t have many wrinkles but what I do have are gray hairs and it seems to make a lot of difference in how I look.

I had a conversation with one of my teens and he said something to me that kind of shocked me. He said I looked older and that he felt sad because he felt like the older he got, the older I would be. As he said that, I realized that to him, my hair was a clue of my mortality.. I know that sometimes in our children’s eyes we can live forever but that sign of aging reminds them that this is not the case.

Looking at myself in the mirror has been quite interesting and by that, I mean a little devastating. What’s a gray hair really if not just the loss of pigmentation? I had an aunt who started getting them at age 18 and she wasn’t ‘old’. But that’s how we see it.. we see it as being this weak, fragile, no-more-fun-times sign of not being pretty anymore because in our society.. youth means everything!

If you’re not young and pretty, you’re just old and ugly.. if you’re old and pretty.. you might be one step ahead! You see it in Hollywood and hell.. you see it on Facebook¬†and I won’t deny that youth is a beautiful and vibrant thing but whatever happened to age is just a number? Don’t throw that out! If we can change what is means to be old.. maybe these gray hairs can be a little more acceptable. And imagine all the money you can save if you didn’t have to dye these little untamed suckers?!

Growing this new hair out has been a roller coaster but not just for me but for my boys… they constantly point them out and I smile. And they also tell me how much I look like my mom and I see it also and that’s not a bad thing because she’s still as beautiful as ever. It’s just hard getting passed the grays… it brings out all sorts of insecurities but I ask myself.. is this because of what our culture has imposed on me or is this because of my own beliefs and opinions? The thing is.. I’ve been changing my hair color since I was 14 so for nature to do it feels a little out of my control and out of my comfort zone.. perhaps that’s what I’m really feeling… loss of control.

Am I vain? I didn’t think I was. I think I’m an attractive gal, with lots to be grateful for and lots I’d like to change in terms of appearance and health… Does my hair define me? It has for a long time.. so maybe I should ask myself… Do I want to change this hair for me or to make everyone else comfortable? Thank goodness for choice. And I have to say.. I’m kind of glad that this whole ‘gray ombre’ is coming into style.. Maybe I won’t feel so isolated.

Second Chances

Every now and then I ask myself: Will people ever learn?

buddha-quotes-about-life-buddha-quotes-life-quotes-pictures-quotes-pictures-updated-daily-87648

How many people would you say get second chances to live a different life? I think it’s more common than we think it is. Ask yourself.. Have I gotten a second chance? And if you have… What did you do about it? I wonder what the people around you have done.. I wonder if they too see what the lesson was, almost losing someone they love. The people affected by the ‘near death’ experience of someone they’re supposed to care about should have received their ‘wake up’ call.. so what have they done about it?

When it all boils down to it, if nothing changes after a terrifying experience, then it was all for nothing… we go about our lives taking things for granted, until the moment that it is finally taken away… whatever your IT is.

As a mom of four boys (technically 3 boys and one man because my oldest is 23), I feel like I’m constantly taken for granted. Every now and then I wonder: If something ever happened to me, will they even care? I know it sounds weird. OF COURSE they’ll care, of course they’ll feel pain and loss.. but they’re also young and naive and taking things for granted is part of who they are right now. I’m sure I’m not the only mom in the world who feels overwhelmed trying to keep it all together when the world around you is falling apart…

I was hit by a car as I crossed the street, back in 2013, and when my kids found out they couldn’t believe it. But I have to say… they took good care of me and I felt like I was worth something in their lives. It was a scary moment for me. I just had a fracture in my left knee and scrapes on the right side of my body.. it could have been so much worse. And I am grateful every… almost every day for being alive… I won’t lie and say it’s been easy because it was traumatic for me. But I have been through worse. I did decide to make changes in my life, pursue the things I thought I had left behind so long ago. I made many sacrifices in order to keep my family afloat and my wake up call reminded me that I had to take better care of myself.¬†I’m still a work in progress and will always be… I am grateful of this mind and all the changes I’ve been through.. I keep seeing the light in the lesson (although the dark clouds can loom.. it can’t always be sunny).

Death will always remind us of wishes and hopes. Wishing we could have spent more time with that person, hoping we could love and spend time with those who are still with us… But it rarely happens… We start to forget the lessons. I remember traveling into the NYC two days after 9/11 and remembering how quiet the subways were, how nice everyone seemed to be…

Do we have to wait for someone to die in order for us to wake up? What will shake us to our core to cherish the people we love and are close to? What is it worth to have 200 people as ‘friends’ when you can only count on 5? What will light the fire under your ass to make a change? Isn’t it easier learning from someone else’s demons if we could avoid our own? Sometimes facing our dragons is better than hiding from them… So how about we take our swords out and fight for a good life…

Be the person you want to be, not the person everyone expects you to be. Don’t forget to find what makes you happy, self care is vital and most importantly… Don’t waste you’re second chance.

*I chose this video because the words are so profound. Makes me think of so many things….

 

Detached

balance

Lately things have started to get worse for me and it made me think of a saying: It’ll get worse before it gets better. Looking this up, I found a quote that made me feel a whole lot better:¬†‚ÄúEverything will usually get worse before it gets better, but when it does get better…remember all who put you down and all who helped you up. Forgive but never forget. Let Karma take care of all the rest.‚Ä̬†

It’s interesting how people treat you when you are down on your luck. There are some that come out of nowhere with the greatest support.. even strangers! And the ones you’ve known for years tend to just disappear and mouth words that they never back up. Some people just don’t know how to ‘handle’ a friend in need, because honestly, I feel this world doesn’t tolerate that type of ‘weakness’ and the suffering is seen as a negative. And who wants these so-called negative people around anyway?!

My personality is an interesting one. I like it a lot, helps me cope, I love my silliness and laughter, my joys and smiles, even through the roughest parts of my life. The downside to that is that when people don’t see that from you ALL the time, they don’t care to know you.. they don’t have time to understand your pain because after all.. you’re happy go lucky… you’re supposed to be bright and strong. It’s like I can’t be vulnerable and sad, I’m not allowed to go through my dark moments.. and HEY, I hate them too.. who the fuck wants to feel shitty about their lives all the time? Not me man… No siree.

After a while of being super strong and surviving.. I have to have my moments of despair and detachment. There is a world out there that keeps moving while my life just stands still. I don’t want to be constantly reminded that I can’t enjoy what other people enjoy because I can’t afford to. Money makes the world go round and without it I seem to be a nobody… BUT I start to be a somebody to those in the same boat.. and that’s where you find your truest camaraderie. Something else I like in myself… I treat everyone the same, money or not, I treat you with respect and if you don’t have, I will give.. I’m always looking for ways to pay it forward and you know why, because I will never forget where I came from and where I’ve been.

This time in my life has taught me so many things. These past four years have been one struggle after the other, a domino of pain, torture, PTSD, heartbreak, a time travel of adjustments… but in all… I’ve grown so much emotionally. I know what it’s like to be homeless and I know what it’s like to have a great job, really decent money and loss. When you have nothing to offer.. you’ll find out who your true friends are.. Mark My Word!

All this pain and suffering.. is really a walk in the park compared to what I went through as a child, so I know, in my heart, that this is something I must go through, face it and learn from it, so that when the moment comes, and I see the sun again, when I feel the warmth of the other side of the world, I can appreciate it so much more and be able to manage it so much better. Because if I don’t… I will forever be doomed to repeat it.

So a little detachment of the every day bullshit of life, needs to be balanced out with the quiet calm of serenity… pushing aside all the things that dictate who I should be and just find out what I’m truly worth, without the voices of the hypocritical world convincing me of who I am not. Be true to yourself.

 

Well, The Truth Is…

jessup

“You can’t handle the truth!!” – A Few Good Men; Colonel Jessup

What is truth exactly? By definition, truth is: 1. the true or actual state of a matter; 2. conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement; 3. a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like: mathematical truths; 4. the state or character of being true; 5. actuality or actual existence; 6. an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude; 7. honesty; integrity; truthfulness.

So then, perception comes in and when it does, the evaluation of a situation for someone becomes somewhat valid, it transforms itself into a truth, their truth and that’s what they will live by… It becomes a part of their reality. Perception… that’s a mind-blowing, tricky son of a bitch because it’s like this tiny pill that when swallowed can be hard to change, hard to believe, it can start arguments up the wazoo and believe it or not, it can start wars.

Perception by definition is apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding; immediate or intuitive recognition or appreciation, as of moral, psychological, or aesthetic qualities; insight; intuition; discernment. 

When something is true, in some cases, it is only true to YOU. Others may have the same insight, they may have a sympathetic understanding to your situation and will agree with you, validating your feeling, in which you believe to be accurate. The truth, you see, is based on indisputable facts. So really, your perception is just your opinion on a situation.

Where am I going with this? I felt the need to break it down… because you see, I don’t think many people are aware of this (and by people, I also meant myself). If you don’t train yourself to see all sides of a situation, you will only be a one-dimensional person. When I see a situation, I see it from all sides so I understand each view… this is why it’s so hard for me to choose what side I’m ‘supposed’ to be on (depending on the subject). I wasn’t always this way… I was very narrow-minded in my thinking process and could only see what was in front of me… but as I got older, that started to change.¬†In my teens I was very promiscuous.¬†People had their opinions of me.. people that didn’t really know me personally, didn’t know my secrets, so I was ok with their judgements because I knew the reason behind my self afflictions and that’s what mattered.

Everything, nowadays, is coming out into the open, things are easier to see, read and hear but people forget that all this is up for interpretation… everyone rushes to make these quick judgments without really researching, without evaluation of all parties involved… everyone seems very reactive. If our society keeps moving forward in this way, we are all doomed. I’m not saying that situations don’t require action, I’m saying that a thought process should happen first but of course, that’s just my opinion. There are times I see something posted and I want to express my opinion but have that ‘fear’ of retaliation because some people don’t WANT to hear anything other than validation.. they don’t want to open their minds to other thoughts, they just want to hear the echo of their beliefs and will pounce on you in a second if their mirror image isn’t reflected. My kids called that ‘trolling’ and I don’t like feeding the trolls. In other words, I won’t waste my breathe on someone that won’t have an adult discussion on the subject.

We can only view our lives through our own eyes. Children being raised in the same family, you’d think they would all have the same views on the situations that happened within the walls of their upbringing, until one day, you all sit down and talk about certain situations and start thinking to yourself: Did we grow up in the same household, because that’s not MY experience there.

Perceptions can come in all shapes and sizes… What you think may be a volatile situation, the person experiencing it may see it as their own survival. Humans in the worst situations make up a whole unrealistic world in order to keep the mind from opening up to the worst feelings of their lives. This type of person ends up stepping into a whole new realm… And only they can take themselves out of it with facts and maybe even consequences.

Sometimes getting to see the bigger picture can make a huge difference and it can also help in deciding the best course of belief for yourself and for your own truth.

 

Up ↑