Let me just acknowledge that it’s been over a year since I’ve posted. I haven’t written as passionately about much lately because honestly.. I’ve lost my passion for many things. Not sure if I should blame that on a birthday that has passed that bumped me over the middle of my 40s or just that my life is in a more defining hurricane.
Work has been interesting. I’m located in a room that is totally separate from everyone else. There are days that I don’t know who’s here unless I literally take a walk around to check in. I don’t even get to see my supervisor unless she pops her head in from the kitchen to see if I’m here. I’m literally in isolation.
The first month was nice. I had time alone, I worked, no one bothered me… no one. It seemed like a breeze. But then slowly, after the next month and next.. I missed having that feeling of belonging… I missed feeling like I was part of a ‘team’. And I felt really weak for wanting those things. I also felt selfish.
If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life and if you’re reading for the first time… I’ve been through A LOT of trauma in my life. So when this feeling of separation and isolation at work comes up, I question it: Is this valid for the moment or is this a PAST traumatic feeling? Such a fine line… to feel something in the present that reminds you of some shitty feelings from your former life yet it is also an authentic feeling to have. I’m tongue twisting it now but hopefully you understand my dilemma. So here I sit, at work, with literally a conversation of 5 minutes in an 8 hour day with my brain as numb as can be.
This is when I realize that I can listen to podcasts, all day long! Suddenly, I don’t feel so much alone or as isolated but I do feel sad that a podcast can make me feel things that my own friends have not been able to do. Suddenly, technology is my BFF, my ride or die, my animated soulmate. I’m truly pathetic.
As excited as I am for this new discovery and ways to keep my brain from mush, I jump in and tweet about it, I email the podcast hosts, I try to connect to people who probably think I’m crazy! And you know what.. I would think I’m crazy too because I’m trying too hard. Sometimes I don’t feel as genuine as I should and it’s this feeling of ‘LIKE ME PLEASE!’ that can go spiraling out of control which alienates any possibility of forming healthy relationships. This awareness is a childhood trauma feeling. When I was little I didn’t get the attention I needed from my parents so I did what I could to be likable, to be noticed because there were things that were happening to me that I couldn’t quite understand and so in a silent way, I was screaming, “PLEASE SEE ME”. I used to have nightmares of being invisible and it was so horrible and yes, isolating. When these moments in my life feel repeated, I go into survival mode and I do my best to fix it.
Understanding those feelings and realizing that I can change my situation is part of that survival. I was lucky enough in my life that I had that in me. I knew when something wasn’t right and I tried to fix them, when I could. I had no choice when I was younger but as an adult, the choices are plentiful. And I thank the stars for that.
Outlets are great to have. I’m working on forming better relationships with friends, maybe meeting some new ones but damn, these podcasts have been a HUGE savior. My top guy is Joe Rogan. I’ve been a fan of his for many years (I used also follow him on myspace). He’s the kind of friend I wish I had. He’s such a great mix of things in conversation that I love and even though my heart aches for a split second when he talks about hunting, I see it so much differently now. I know I could never have that experience but it is truly fascinating to hear.
From Joe Rogan, I was introduced to Ari which lead me to Jessica Michelle Singleton, whom I super like. She is so bare and honest and I miss having that in my life. I know, it sounds so weird to say but honestly it just reminds me of what I need to find in my ‘real life’. It’s proof that people like this exists and even when your feeling alone, that there are others that feel the way you do. Hopefully you can do something about it and get out there and find that bond you need and deserve. I’m so happy I have these podcasts to get me through the day.
I’m hoping to update this blog regularly now. Listening to these podcasts inspire to express myself more, even when I’m feeling like no one will read or listen, but I’m ok with that. My younger self would be proud of me.
Thanks for reading.